My Secret Struggle with Weight
Underneath every struggle is a story – a story that’s waiting to be revealed, honored and understood. A story that’s in search of resolution…and hopefully a happy ending.
I want to share my story around the struggle with weight and food, because I want you to KNOW that if I can overcome this problem…anyone can!
My parents were chronic dieters and also heavily weighed down by depression. Dieting held the promise of a fresh start, a new body and improved life.
I went on my first diet at 13, even though I wasn’t overweight. However, I developed breasts and hips earlier than the other girls, which made me very self-conscious. And so, watching my curves diminish through dieting provided relief and a sense of accomplishment.
Like my parents, I learned to live on salads and “diet” foods. I learned to count calories and run laps. But all this was before one event that changed everything.
When I was 15 years old, I was at a party where there were a bunch of rough, older guys. And after a bit of flirtation with one of them, he carried me up to a bedroom, held me down and raped me. I had no words to express what happened to me, so I kept it buried deep inside.
Over the next months I stopped going out with friends, sat in front of the television and devoured entire boxes of mac and cheese. I gained 15 pounds in a matter of months, and this began years of starvation diets, binging, yo-yo weight, diet pills, laxatives, and by the time I got to college, a very severe case of Bulimia (after a girl who lived in my dorm taught me how to make myself throw up.)
And still, every part of my struggle was in secret. No one in my life knew about the Bulimia. My one saving grace was that I started taking psychology classes and became fascinated with the unlimited potential of the mind. I studied Eastern religions and different forms of spirituality. I spent a summer at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California and immersed myself in new age and somatic therapies.
My struggles with my body and food continued however, and went hand in hand with my challenge in romantic relationships. I was sexually attracted to men, but I didn’t trust them. I never felt safe, loved or cared for by the men I drew into my life. Romance went hand in hand with heartbreak, which further fueled my struggles with food and my body.
After college, I was living in San Francisco and falling into the same destructive patterns, but I made a promise to myself that I would keep. I promised that I would never again do violence to my body by purging. And this ended my eight years of Bulimia in that one moment.
I wish I could say that it all ended here. But it would take another 5 years before I found the antidote to the spell that food and weight had over my life. Even though I was no longer binging and purging, I still felt a certain compulsiveness with food and an extra 10-15 pounds more weight on me than felt comfortable. I was still experimenting with diets, always looking for the next, best solution.
Until the day that I hit rock bottom. I knew this obsession was keeping me from REALLY living. I KNEW that it was no longer about the weight…but the obsession that was the trap, and what I longed for was freedom from the whole, f*cking paradigm. I knew I had to break free of the whole thing because I needed to really live.
And so I prayed….”please God, if I could just be free of this bondage, I’ll be happy every day for the rest of my life!”
They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And that’s what happened for me in the form of a book by the brilliant Geneen Roth. Through her book, I learned to uncover how the obsession with weight/food/body was functioning in my life – by distracting me from deeper, more painful issues.
For me, it was all about my painful relationships with men, and the deep shame I felt about it.
Once I was able to really look at this core issue and sit with the pain/shame, the spell that food had over me dissolved. I learned that sitting with my pain wouldn’t destroy me, and it actually began to dissipate. And slowly, I learned to step outside of my comfort zone and take emotional risks.
With this practice, the obsession with food and my body faded into the background. At the same time, I effortlessly began losing weight and came into a new version of myself.
From here, I was able to truly move on with my life. This is when I found my career and began studying medicine. It’s when I came into my love of plants, healing and music. And most significantly, I was able to create safe relationships with men, learning to trust and be vulnerable, and even got married.
I wish that I could say that I’ve been “happy every day of my life” as I’d promised in my prayer. In reality, since giving up the obsession with food and living at my ideal weight – I’m more aware of the challenges that LIFE never ceases to bring. But I’d never go back because now I’m FREE…to live with the fullness of life and all it’s complexity.
There’s nothing as liberating as finally breaking free from an obsession which is inner bondage. But having gotten to the other side of this issue taught me that nothing is insurmountable.
That’s why I’m dedicated to helping other women feel confident in their bodies, break free from obsession and restore an easeful and pleasurable relationship with food.
If you’re ready for true transformation like I was, you probably don’t want to waste time. You need a proven system and tools that really works. Through my own personal journey and over many years helping hundreds of clients across the U.S. and Europe, I’ve developed a process that’s both effective and powerful, and also incorporates all I’ve learned about how to balance blood sugar to ameliorate cravings.
It’s a huge joy to be able to share it.
If you’re ready to do what it takes to let go of this struggle once and for all, apply for your free 45-minute “Weight-Loss Wisdom” session with me today.
I’ve got just few spots left on my calendar next week, and this special offer will end entirely on February 16th 2018.
Let’s make time work on your side so that you can have the body-freedom you’re wanting much sooner!
With Great Love and Support,